Hi everyone, Today’s topic is getting killed. Don’t run away
immediately though, it’s not about you
personally. The reason for this topic is that, last week, I watched the 2009
remake of 1980s horror classic Friday the 13th and as today is Halloween, it looked
like the right subject. I have seen
hundreds of horror movies in my life and I have noticed certain behavioural
treats in the people that play in these movies, and nearly all of their
behaviour is plain stupid. As I
mentioned, it is Halloween today, the world wide celebration of all things
gloomy and macabre, so I have drawn up a list of sure-fire ways to get killed
if you’re in a horror movie. Here we go:
- - When you plan a weekend away with your friends,
make sure to choose a spot in the middle of nowhere, and preferrably in the
middle of a densely forested area like Maryland or North-Western Pennsylvania.
Even better would be, ofcourse, to choose a state that consists mainly of
woods, like New Hampshire or Washington. Apart from the feeling of being lost
in the wilderness, this will enhance the sensation of knowing that any outback
law-enforcement personnel will have trouble locating you and coming to your
rescue. When picking your spot, it helps
to create additional diversion in the form of rugged mountains to hinder a
possible escape, or a lake which, apart from cutting off a possible escape
route (Ian Thorpe would loose the ability to swim if he was in a horror movie) will also allow you to go waterskiing,
surfing or engage in other fun outdoor activities that increase the possibility
of you falling off a cliff, getting maimed by an outboard engine, or shot with
a cross bow by the psycho killer from the relative safety of the dense foliage.
- - Ofcourse, being the experienced wilderness
camper that you are, you have brought flash light torches, a GPS Unit and
mobile phones. What is absolutely crucial, though, is that you make sure that these devices all have batteries that are only about 50% charged when the
movie starts. This will ensure that, when the going gets though, you will loose
power on your GPS (don’t know where you are), your cell phone (Can’t call the
cops) and, finally, your flash light(You are now alone in the dark with a mad,
axe wielding serial killer)
- If you go camping, make sure that the camp fire
fizzles out around midnight because, incidentally,this is the favorite time for mad psychotic
murderers to go out for their late night walk. One of your group will hear a
sound somewhere in the undergrowth and go out to see if it is a bear. This is,
ofcourse, stupid enough because the last thing you want to do is disturb a bear,
in the middle of the night, that can’t sleep because it’s hungry and just found
that his roommate finished off the bag of Doritos. Well, you’re lucky, it wasn’t a bear. The
downside to this is that it was an insane loner who has been living in these
woods for 15 years, on his own (apart from his mother’s corpse, ofcourse) and
therefore is not really used to company.
- - If you are the rich kid and decide to go out to
your parents’ log cabin with your friends, make sure the phone and power lines
are laying around on the surface, or in any case are easily accessible. So by the time you start to realise that
something is wrong (normally this moment of clarity occurs when 3 of your
friends are dead) the maniac killer will have had time to cut the phone lines, leaving
you unable to call the cops.
- - While holed up in the log cabin, make sure you
don’t stick together as a group. The
best thing to do is either break some furniture or drink the last beer. This
will cause your friends to be upset and demand that you get some tools to fix
what you just broke, or a new case of beer. This always involves a trip to a
dark and distant toolshed, accidentally an ideal hangout for a serial
killer. When your friend does not return
with the screwdriver, or beers, this is clearly a sign that he has found a good
pub in the woods, so the next person can go out and join him. When you hear
something outside, go outside one by one to check out what it is. (Hint: it is
not a raccoon).
- - Have sex. Everybody who has ever had sex in a
horror movie, dies. The only exception
to this rule occurred in the 2000 movie Cherry Falls, in which the mad slasher
goes around killing off all virgins at the local high school, which leaves us
with the original scenario of all teenagers in town desperately trying to have sex.
Come to think of it, this is not really
very original at all.
The big advantage of having sex in a horror
movie is that you can get killed in many interesting ways: you could be gutted from below the bed, as the killer
has sneaked under your log cabin and pokes the machete through a hole in the
floorboards and into your back. Alternatively, he can cut through your tent, if
you’re camping, or come through a side window when you have just finished
having sex and are now walking through a dark and quiet part of the house,
dressed only in your underwear. It all makes sense. And while we’re on it:
- - Be the most beautiful girl in the group. The
beautiful girl always gets killed and so will the quarterback/rich kid.
Fortunately, the beautiful girl is also usually a bit bitchy, so the audience
don’t really care that much. If you want to seriously improve your chances of
survival, you’re better off being the timid girl that nobody really notices
until the pretty girl gets killed.
- - Rather than calling the police as soon as you
discover that there’s a mad man with a Very Big and Very Sharp Knife out there
in the woods, leave it for a bit longer, at the very least until it’s late at
night. You shouldn’t be able to contact the cops because the killer has
normally cut the phone wires, but you may be lucky and have a lazy killer on
your hands. Even if you do get through to the local sherriff’s office, the only
officer there will be a fat traffic cop on night shift, who was looking forward
to spending the night watching Magnum, P.I. reruns and eating donuts. He will
reluctantly leave his office, whiping crums from his mouth with the back of his
hand, and drive into the woods, where he will find a dark and quiet log cabin.
He will grab another donut and, while eating it, he will be attacked from
behind by the killer and end up dead, with a knife in his back and jelly down
the front of his shirt.
- - When dawn breaks and the sunlight returns,
though hesitantly, you will have a chance at killing the killer. You will first
miss your chance by missing the killer’s head with the baseball bat while he
was already lying on the floor, ready for the final blow, or by sending your
only bullet into the roof. Don’t worry, you will get another chance and this
time you will kill the psycho. In the final scene of the movie, you can be
found either walking away from the cabin, leaving the killer for dead, or by
dumping his body in the woods or the lake. While you walk off into the
sunshine, the camera will turn back to the corpse/lake where you will see the
body twitch or the killer open one eye, setting us up nicely for a sequel.
Horror movies are great fun to watch, even though the story
line generally follows only 1 or 2 possible scenarios, but if you stick to
these rules for getting killed in enormously stupid ways, we will enjoy
watching them for many years, and sequels, to come.
Happy Halloween everyone!
Cheers
Lennard
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