How to get killed in a slasher movie.

Hi everyone, Today’s topic is getting killed. Don’t run away immediately though, it’s not about  you personally. The reason for this topic is that, last week, I watched the 2009 remake of 1980s horror classic Friday the 13^th   and as today is Halloween, it looked like the right subject.  I have seen hundreds of horror movies in my life and I have noticed certain behavioural treats in the people that play in these movies, and nearly all of their behaviour is plain stupid.  As I mentioned, it is Halloween today, the world wide celebration of all things gloomy and macabre, so I have drawn up a list of sure-fire ways to get killed if you’re in a horror movie. Here we go:

-          - When you plan a weekend away with your friends, make sure to choose a spot in the middle of nowhere, and preferrably in the middle of a densely forested area like Maryland or North-Western Pennsylvania. Even better would be, ofcourse, to choose a state that consists mainly of woods, like New Hampshire or Washington. Apart from the feeling of being lost in the wilderness, this will enhance the sensation of knowing that any outback law-enforcement personnel will have trouble locating you and coming to your rescue.  When picking your spot, it helps to create additional diversion in the form of rugged mountains to hinder a possible escape, or a lake which, apart from cutting off a possible escape route (Ian Thorpe would loose the ability to swim if he was in a horror  movie) will also allow you to go waterskiing, surfing or engage in other fun outdoor activities that increase the possibility of you falling off a cliff, getting maimed by an outboard engine, or shot with a cross bow by the psycho killer from the relative safety of the dense foliage.

-          - Ofcourse, being the experienced wilderness camper that you are, you have brought flash light torches, a GPS Unit and mobile phones. What is absolutely crucial, though, is that you make sure that these devices all have batteries that are only about 50% charged when the movie starts. This will ensure that, when the going gets though, you will loose power on your GPS (don’t know where you are), your cell phone (Can’t call the cops) and, finally, your flash light(You are now alone in the dark with a mad, axe wielding serial killer)

-  If you go camping, make sure that the camp fire fizzles out around midnight because, incidentally,this  is the favorite time for mad psychotic murderers to go out for their late night walk. One of your group will hear a sound somewhere in the undergrowth and go out to see if it is a bear. This is, ofcourse, stupid enough because the last thing you want to do is disturb a bear, in the middle of the night, that can’t sleep because it’s hungry and just found that his roommate finished off the bag of Doritos.  Well, you’re lucky, it wasn’t a bear. The downside to this is that it was an insane loner who has been living in these woods for 15 years, on his own (apart from his mother’s corpse, ofcourse) and therefore is not really used to company.

-          - If you are the rich kid and decide to go out to your parents’ log cabin with your friends, make sure the phone and power lines are laying around on the surface, or in any case are easily accessible.  So by the time you start to realise that something is wrong (normally this moment of clarity occurs when 3 of your friends are dead) the maniac killer will have had time to cut the phone lines, leaving you unable to call the cops.

-          - While holed up in the log cabin, make sure you don’t stick together as a group.  The best thing to do is either break some furniture or drink the last beer. This will cause your friends to be upset and demand that you get some tools to fix what you just broke, or a new case of beer. This always involves a trip to a dark and distant toolshed, accidentally an ideal hangout for a serial killer.  When your friend does not return with the screwdriver, or beers, this is clearly a sign that he has found a good pub in the woods, so the next person can go out and join him. When you hear something outside, go outside one by one to check out what it is. (Hint: it is not a raccoon).

-         -  Have sex. Everybody who has ever had sex in a horror movie, dies.  The only exception to this rule occurred in the 2000 movie Cherry Falls, in which the mad slasher goes around killing off all virgins at the local high school, which leaves us with the original scenario of all teenagers in town desperately trying to have sex.

Come to think of it, this is not really very original at all.

The big advantage of having sex in a horror movie is that you can get killed in many interesting ways: you could  be gutted from below the bed, as the killer has sneaked under your log cabin and pokes the machete through a hole in the floorboards and into your back. Alternatively, he can cut through your tent, if you’re camping, or come through a side window when you have just finished having sex and are now walking through a dark and quiet part of the house, dressed only in your underwear. It all makes sense. And while we’re on it:

-          - Be the most beautiful girl in the group. The beautiful girl always gets killed and so will the quarterback/rich kid. Fortunately, the beautiful girl is also usually a bit bitchy, so the audience don’t really care that much. If you want to seriously improve your chances of survival, you’re better off being the timid girl that nobody really notices until the pretty girl gets killed.

-          - Rather than calling the police as soon as you discover that there’s a mad man with a Very Big and Very Sharp Knife out there in the woods, leave it for a bit longer, at the very least until it’s late at night. You shouldn’t be able to contact the cops because the killer has normally cut the phone wires, but you may be lucky and have a lazy killer on your hands. Even if you do get through to the local sherriff’s office, the only officer there will be a fat traffic cop on night shift, who was looking forward to spending the night watching Magnum, P.I. reruns and eating donuts. He will reluctantly leave his office, whiping crums from his mouth with the back of his hand, and drive into the woods, where he will find a dark and quiet log cabin. He will grab another donut and, while eating it, he will be attacked from behind by the killer and end up dead, with a knife in his back and jelly down the front of his shirt.

-         - When dawn breaks and the sunlight returns, though hesitantly, you will have a chance at killing the killer. You will first miss your chance by missing the killer’s head with the baseball bat while he was already lying on the floor, ready for the final blow, or by sending your only bullet into the roof. Don’t worry, you will get another chance and this time you will kill the psycho. In the final scene of the movie, you can be found either walking away from the cabin, leaving the killer for dead, or by dumping his body in the woods or the lake. While you walk off into the sunshine, the camera will turn back to the corpse/lake where you will see the body twitch or the killer open one eye, setting us up nicely for a sequel.

Horror movies are great fun to watch, even though the story line generally follows only 1 or 2 possible scenarios, but if you stick to these rules for getting killed in enormously stupid ways, we will enjoy watching them for many years, and sequels, to come.

Happy Halloween everyone!

Cheers

Lennard

To the People of Dublin

Dear Dubliners,

I have lived in your midst for nearly 6 years now and I must say it has been an absolute pleasure. You people are friendly, fun, helpful and, like me, you’re not shy of a drink every now and then. Over the past 6 years I have really become accustomed to your way of life and I am proud to say that I now call Dublin home. Dublin is a great city and moving here has been  one of the best decisions I made in my life. Ofcourse, no marriage is perfect and I have noted some opportunities for improvement to make living in Dublin even better than it is now. So allow me to set out a couple of pointers that we can all take in and work on to make this great city even better.

Here we go:

*Tracksuits are for exercising. That’s why they make them of soft, comfy materials. If you are over the age of 12, there are 3 occasions that allow wearing a tracksuit:

- You are on your way to the gym, rugby club, pool, etc. , in any case, you plan to exercise soon.

- You are on your way back from the gym, rugby club, pool, etc. , in any case, you have just exercised and are on your way home to change into real people’s clothes.

- You are currently exercising

Being the kind-hearted soul that I am, I will allow some leeway for the following scenario: It is Sunday, you don’t plan to do anything other than laying on the couch for the rest of the day and watch Friends re-runs. You decide to go to the corner shop to pick up the paper and a tub of Ben&Jerry’s to keep you company. In this case, you might just get away with walking down the street in a tracksuit. But only just.

If you wear a tracksuit on any other occasion, like going shopping, going to the pub or walking the dog, you’re a Pauper. Big Time. If you claim that wearing a tracksuit outside the scenarios outlined above does not make you a pauper, you are most probably a knacker. Which leads me to point 2 of my Dublin Improvement Programme:

*Knackers should be shot. All of them. No trial, no jury, straight to execution. You are a burden to our society, a nuissance to normal people and an annoyance to the tourists that bring in so much money in this difficult time for our country. The amount of money the country will save on dole payments when you’re all gone will be sufficient to pay off the IMF in 2 or 3 years. Everybody wins. We will transport you all to the courtyard of Mountjoy Prison, where you will be given a number and then you can wait for execution. It is similar to waiting in the dole queue so you should be familiar with it. We will take the cost of the bullet and the wage of the executioner out of your family’s next dole payment. Goodbye.

* The fact that you have a pram to drive one of your kids arround does not entitle you to the right to block supermarket aisles, shop entrances and sidewalks. It also does not allow you to drive it into my shins, no matter how often you say ‘saaahwrrry’. And while we’re on the subject of bumping into shins, the next person that hits my legs with a shopping bag can pick up their purchases from the bottom of the Liffey.

* Those grey and black steel containers that you will find along most city streets are trash cans (or litter bins, as I think you people prefer to call them). They are put there by Dublin City Council for collecting trash (litter). The idea is that if you have an empty Lucozade bottle, cider can, cigarette pack or burger wrapper, you put them in these containers. A representative from the Dublin City Council Waste Department will come and collect it later, for your convenience, free of charge. Isn’t that a great service? Use it.

* Build a subway, A city the size of Dublin should have one. They did it in London in 1863, in Budapest in 1896 and in New York in 1904. Hell, even in Rotterdam we built one in the 1960s. It’s not that difficult: you dig a tunnel, stick a train in it and off you go.

* I appreciate that your dog has to go to the toilet and that you don’t want him or her to go in your house. So when you walk your dog to make him (or her) do the business, clean up after he or she is finished.Dog shit on the sidewalks is a smelly, dirty and disgusting sight. I bet you wouldn’t want me to take a shit on your doorstep.

* Adding chips to a deep fried snack does not make it a ‘meal’. Seriously, it doesn’t. If you add chips to a deep fried snack, you should simply call it ‘..and chips’. And no, adding a can of Pepsi does not make any difference.

So, here you are, these are my recommendations to make Dublin an even better place to live. I think that if we all use these pointers, this will improve the city as one of Europe’s great capitals.

And with that, I will leave you for now. I raise my glass and thank you all, Dubliners of all nationalities,  for the past 6 amazing years and I hope to live among you for the foreseeable future.

Cheers,

Lennard